Old Blog

 I decided to give my old blog a facelift and experiment with blogging over there for a bit:

https://isweatandsparkle.home.blog

One Tenth

I worked out each day last week, even though I can think of a million (probably more) things that I would rather do than work out. I weighed in on Saturday morning...to see that I had lost one tenth of a pound.

One tenth of a damn pound.

It's hard not to be discouraged by that. Even with a fairly large loss last week, I still expected at least a pound this week.  

My office was closed for a few days for the 4th of July, but it didn't really throw me off until yesterday.  It still felt like the weekend to me, and I ease up on weekends and give myself a cheat day, then get back on track on Sunday (or at least, that is the plan).  I found myself snacking more yesterday than I really should have.

I ended up not having time to work out yesterday because my husband and I babysat our 3-year-old grandson, then we had dinner with our older stepson and his family.  I loved seeing all of them, but it made the day go by so fast because we were having a good time and chasing after very active, very curious boys.  The grandbabies are growing so, so fast.  Slow down, already!  I look at them and am startled by how big they are just since I saw them last.  They won't be little long.  I want to enjoy every moment while they are.

July Goals

 

Holy crap, how are we officially halfway through this year already?

I just took a look at my weight history on LoseIt.  I started this year with gains, steadily creeping up each week until I hit my highest weight of this year in April, then apparently had enough.  My weight fluctuations since then were much smaller, until they finally leveled off and then started to dip instead of rise.

So, basically, I have spent the entire first half of this year getting back to where I started the year.

Disappointing?  Sure.  Is it going to stop me?  Hell no.

I have six months in front of me to turn this around and make positive progress.  I have a little over three months before a visit with my brothers, and while I can't possibly be anywhere near my goal weight by then, I sure would like to drop a significant bit of this extra weight by then.

I am going to set goals for each month to keep me focused.  I will post them here at the beginning of each month, then wrap up each month with a progress summary for each goal before posting the list for the following month.

MY JULY GOALS

1. Lose at least 10 pounds.

2. Go running at least twice.

3. Cut way back on soda/drink more water (these two go hand in hand).

4. Incorporate at least one self-care activity into most days.

There we go!  I have 31 days to make something happen and have something good to report at the end of the month.

Repair

It's been over a week since my last post, and usually that means I have fallen so far off the wagon that GPS and a search-and-rescue team couldn't help me find my way back.  I am happy that that is not the case this time.  I have just been swamped at work and overwhelmed in general, but through it all, I have been working out and improving my eating habits.

I was so stressed out last week that I barely ate, so without even meaning to, I got back onto an intermittent fasting schedule.  I like to work out as soon as I get home from work, so eating a very light dinner, or just no dinner at all, works so well for me.  I prefer to work out before I eat, and if I eat late, my stomach complains, so fasting during the evening and overnight just makes sense for me.

I am down 20 pounds, with a lot to go, but I am trying very hard to adjust and repair my mindset along the way this time, to make sure it stays off.  In the past, a stressful week would have inevitably led to overeating, not working out, and gaining weight.  I stopped myself and asked myself why I would want to repeat a mistake I have made over and over, that only hurts me, that gives me even more to be unhappy about and more to worry about!

Tomorrow is the last day of June, and we will be halfway through this year already.  I can't wrap my head around that.  I would like to set some goals for July and for the second half of this year.  I need to put some thought into that and write another post soon.

Happy Monday!

Sick!

 

I didn't intend to create a new blog and then drop off the face of the Earth.  About a week and a half ago, I felt that telltale, ominous scratchiness in my throat, and my heart sank. Sure enough, not long after that, my nose was running.  I have been popping decongestants like candy and walking around with a stash of tissues at all times.

At first, I was hopeful that it was just a touch of a cold and would pass quickly.  Nearly two weeks later, it's obvious that is not the case.

Thing is, work is absolutely crazy right now.  I have worked late almost every day. I want to stay home and use a sick day or two, but the thought of the mountain of work that will be waiting for me when I come back is enough to push me out the door every morning.  I just really don't have time for a sick day right now. It's the worst timing in the world to be sick!

My voice sounds horrible, even though I haven't actually been coughing all that much.  And the fatigue is unreal.  Through it all, though, I have actually been keeping up with my workouts, relying on low-impact, short workouts like indoor walking, but last night I had to admit defeat.  I needed rest.  I worked late, came home, and wanted nothing but my pajamas, a snack, and to curl up under a blanket next to my husband, so that's exactly what I did.

I actually forgot to post about Saturday's weigh-in!  I had expected a gain, but I was surprised with a 1.5 pound loss.  I'm not sure what to expect this week.  Being sick has really wrecked my plans.  Hopefully I can breathe again soon!

Gold Medal

This quote makes me laugh, because it is 100% me right now.  I know working out is necessary if I really want to lose weight and get into shape, but I can honestly think of nothing--and I mean NOTHING--that I want to do less than exercise!  

Working out when you are significantly overweight and astonishingly out of shape is pretty much just torture.  Just wrestling into a sports bra and spandex pants wears me out.  I feel like Jabba the Hut in a ponytail, and now I have to go sweat, contort myself, exert energy I don't have, and force myself to not quit the whole mess and go get a snack.

But so far, I am staying committed to my goal of working out every day in June.  Even when I stayed home sick earlier this week and could barely breathe or hold myself upright, I walked around a little bit in the backyard to get some fresh air, get some steps, and put my sticker on the calendar for working out that day.

I'm still not feeling 100% better, and I am still sniffling and popping decongestants, but I figured even sick old out-of-shape me could sit on a stationary bike and pedal for a bit.  I canceled my Peloton subscription because the instructors just got too annoying, begging for attention instead of just entertaining me through a bike ride, so I found a 30-minute workout on Youtube and got to it.  I just finished it, so of course I'm waiting for that gold medal for athleticism, ha ha.

I know it will change.  I know I need to stick to it, don't give up on myself, and keep showing up for myself each day.  One day at a time of struggling into the sports bra.  One day at a time of hating how I look in workout clothes.  One day at a time of not wanting to do it, but doing it anyway, because I value my health and want to make myself proud.  And one day, believe it or not, I will be stunned to realize I am looking forward to my workout!

Okay, that day is not today, though.  It won't be tomorrow, either.  But it's coming.  I know it. And I will keep working toward it.

First Birthday

My plan had been to check in here nearly every day, but it's like everything around me in on fast forward, and there is so much going on.  

On Friday, I happily left work early to spend time with my younger grandson, who officially turns one year old today!  My husband and I took him to a park nearby.  It was wonderful to be outside, to be enjoying the day with them, and not cooped up in an office with my laptop.

Saturday was a big day: our grandson's first birthday party.  All four of my stepkids were there, as well as both grandsons, so I was thrilled.  I took a ton of pictures that I haven't even sorted or organized yet.  My older grandson, who is 3, was full of energy, so I chased him around an empty table to burn some of it off.  (It didn't work; he was still wired and fired up, but at least I was worn out!).  

Both grandsons adore my husband, and I love watching them together.  While my older stepson and his wife opened the baby's birthday presents, my husband kept the 3-year-old entertained with an empty box, pushing him around like a little car, then folding the top closed and letting him pop out of it with a big smile on his little face.  

After the party, we stayed late to help clean up, take decorations down, sweep the floor and get all the confetti from balloons and cake crumbs picked up.  Then my husband and I went out for our date night, which we do our best to have every weekend.  We had been on our feet for most of the birthday party, playing and talking and helping out, so it was nice to sit down and relax for a nice dinner.  

Yesterday I was stuffy and had a fever, so I stayed home from work.  My husband left for work, and I curled up under a blanket and dozed off on the couch.  After his first few appointments, though, he came home, said he had cleared the rest of his day, and he stayed home with me.  I was loopy on decongestants and had no energy, but I was still happy that he was there with me.  It was peaceful, happy, just quietly spending the day together.

Today I am paying for it, with a wall of emails and an overwhelming to-do list at work, plus I'm still stuffy.  I would love to be at home again today, with my husband occasionally pressing his hand ahead my forehead to see if I still have a fever, and my cat curling up with me to take care of me, too.

I still feel drained but think I can manage a short, low-impact workout this evening.  Right now, though, I suppose I should start wading through all this piled-up work...or maybe I should just organize my pictures from our grandbaby's birthday party.  That sounds like a lot more fun!

Every Day

 

Sticker on the Calendar

I set a goal for myself for June: to work out, in some form, every day of the month.  I don't care if it's skipping around the dining room table, doing backflips down the driveway, or marching in place in the living room with my husband looking at me like I'm nuts, as long as movement is involved.

As soon as I set that goal, life chuckled and said, "Heck, no."  It seems like every day, something has come up to make fitting in any kind of workout nearly impossible.

Yesterday, I planned to change clothes and work out as soon as I got home from work, since I had a long to-do list for the evening.  But then my husband told me that my stepdaughter was coming by, and we were taking her out for her birthday dinner.  Okay, so I shifted gears.  I checked my list and got busy cleaning while we were waiting for her to arrive, so all of that was done and crossed off the list.  And hey, sweeping, mopping, and vacuuming sure feel like a workout.

We had fun at dinner, catching up, telling stories, and laughing over old memories.  Before I knew it, it was well after 9 PM, and I still hadn't worked out.

It's too late now to work now, I told myself when we got home.

But seriously?  Flaking out on my goal only three days in?

So I changed clothes and did a very short workout, only one mile of indoor walking (thank you, Leslie Sansone), but I did it.  That is the important part to me.  It wasn't the workout I had planned, but I had a nice evening, spent time with my husband and my stepdaughter, and I still put that sticker on the calendar for the day's workout.  I still made it a priority, told myself that doing something for me was important, and I got it done.

I told my husband I was only going to put a little sticker on the calendar for the day since it was a short workout.  He said no, use a big sticker, because everything was stacked against me, and I still did it. I like the way that man thinks!

Reframing

Hello!  Wow, it's been a while since I blogged here on Blogger.  I have thought about moving back for a while, but Wordpress won't import into Blogger for some reason, and I didn't want to lose all of my old posts.  Finally I decided, so what?  I want to move my blog, for many reasons, so let's just do it.

I kicked around themes and titles for my new blog, and I have a notepad sheet, scribbled with my brainstorming.  But the concept that appealed to me the most, the theme that seemed the most fitting, was: blooming.

It's perfect, really.  I have always loved plants, and as soon as I had a yard, I started planting flowers.  Now I have a garden outside and orchids flowering inside, and I adore them all.  They make me happy.

Flowers don't bloom when they are not nurtured, cared for, loved.  Guess what?  People don't either.  I am learning to reframe this journey (yeah, okay, I hate that word, but it fits here).  I am not whipping myself into shape, pushing, shoving, barking at myself like a drill sergeant.  I've tried that in the past, and it doesn't work for me.  It might temporarily, but it doesn't last.  Not for me.  

If I come across a struggling flower in my garden, I don't get angry with the flower.  I don't call it names, put it down, treat it even more harshly and then expect positive changes.  No.  I look at it closely, try to figure out what it needs, make adjustments, give it extra care until it flourishes again.

Why did it take so long for me to realize that I need the same compassion and care from myself?  

It's been nearly four years since my mother died.  The weight I gained after her death is still here.  I blamed it on the shock and depression of her dying, but come on...nearly four years later, that excuse is just getting old and worn out.  Clearly something else is going on.  I think I have berated myself, insulted myself, and beat myself down so much for the weight gain that I came to believe that I can't lose it, or I don't deserve the effort and time it takes to lose it.  

So that's why I am here, on this blog.  I know some things have to change.  One of those is my mindset and the way I talk to and treat myself.  This process isn't a punishment.  It's an act of love.  And I am going to try very hard to view it that way.

Writing has always been a way for me to work through my feelings, get the mess out of my head, and find my way to a better place.  So this blog is like a gift to myself, but I hope that others will join me along the way.  Let's see where this goes!